CLOUDS

Yesterday, yours truly, a decent representative of the american education system, got HUSTLED by a toothless wizard who sold his soul to the devil. How did it happen?

3 words: BLACK-MAGIC HYPNOSIS.

Sam and I decided to walk through a not-so-great area of Tel Aviv because we are tough peddlers like that. We passed through one of those junk markets where you can buy almost anything any piece of shit!!! All was gravy (except for the overflowing sewage pipes, which were not gravy), until we came until a little oasis of pure voodoo evil, aka my new friend toothless magicman who, as fate would have it, was placed there for the specific purpose of robbing me blind of my money, and more importantly, my ego.

He sat there in his chair (clue 1: the chair was levitating) at a table with 3 cups and a ball. He shuffled around the ball while two clueless indians, with expressionless, empty faces (clue 2: they had no souls) were trying to guess which cup had the ball. They were winning and losing, but the whole time, it was somewhat obvious to my compatriot and I which cup had the ball. We remarked to each other how retarded these indians were (IRONY) for guessing so poorly half the time, when a russian came up and started watching, and agreed with us. After a few minutes of watching, I made momentary eye-contact with the anti-christ and BAM all my thoughts became, “EASY MONEY. DO IT. DO IT. SO EASY. DOUBLE YOUR SAVINGS IN SECONDS. GOOD EYES. GOOD MONEY. GIT HIM.” Thats when I realized he wasnt even looking at the cups, balls, indians, or anything, just looking straight into my weak and obedient soul and commanding me to give him money.

He interrupted my momentary glimpse of fiery corpse babies, flying between the pillars of hell, to tell me he would let me play for free. ANYTHING YOU SAY. So I did, and won my first round. Ok, so I confirmed my ability to choose a cup correctly (and completely submit to his desires). He didn’t have to say anything on from this point, telepathic connection was established and me losing money was as sure as his thousand year old body never having to sleep or eat.

Next he, once again, shuffled the ball underneath the cup in an obvious way. The indians were playing with 100 shekel bills (25 dollars) and the thought didn’t even occur to me to try a smaller bill first. In my defense, I was not even conscious at the time. So I threw down a 100 shek-shek on the right-hand cup, high-fiving my friend in a display of brimming confidence, ecstatic in  knowing that I was on the eve of doubling my wager.

monYAK, monYAK, MONYAK …. OPPPPAHHH!!! lost your money.

When he lifted that cup, every thing I’ve ever known to be true, logical, moral, and right was destroyed. In one fell swoop, my entire understanding of the natural world was reduced to an infant’s, and if you saw my face, you would not laugh, no, you would recoil at the face of a man whose wrinkled contours and hysterical eyes reflect a complete loss of sanity. Soul having been raped, I frantically looked around, trying to find someone else who was as confused as I: surely I am not the only one who was 100% sure about their decision, only to find I was completely wrong. I was talking in a high-pitched voice, much faster than usual, asking Sam if he saw what I saw, if I understood him correctly when he agreed with my choice before I put down the money. Mind you, my clear-thinking was out the window, but my first impulse was to run as fast away from this fresh evil as my newly-corrupted legs would take me. Before this impulse had time to blossom, I wanted to look one last time into the eyes of someone whos pupils were little windows into fiery hells, who so easily and mysteriously took my money and now, after resuming with the indians, was flaunting a grin that displayed the truth; that he was without a single shred of conscienceness. BAM: “WIN IT BACK. SHOW HIM. EASY MONEY. EASY EYES. SO EASY. GIT IT AND GO. GIT AND GO. GOOD MONEY. WIN. IT. BACK.”

Took out my remaining 50 shekels (12.50$), waited until I was absolutely, without-a-doubt sure of which cup had the ball, and in the blink of an eye, any remaining shred of dignity was promptly urinated on. My head started throbbing and gravy poured out of my eyeballs. I was the hampster on the wheel that keeps spinning when it stops running, except this time the wheel is being turned by the narco-wizard, whose accomplices pick up my change as it falls out.

After digging myself out of the giant pile of trash I had buried myself into, and after the images of burning tires, hitler, and rotting flesh subsided, only then was my mind, newly tainted with the purest of evils, able to understand with amazing clarity the extent of this conjurer’s scheme. The archangel of sodomy, the two indians, even the russian, ALL MADE A COMBINED EFFORT TO RUIN ME. After watching them continue their ruse, luring others to make the same mistake as I, the entire scam was so apparent that I can teach you how to do it yourself.

HOW TO HUSTLE A NAIVE TOURIST:

You will need:

• 1 x Wizard: Performs routine fetus sacrifice to ensure magic powers are beyond anything humanly possible. Uses said powers to mindrape people out of their money.
  Interesting notes: often seen with dried blood around the mouth. Avoid eye-contact at all costs.
• 1 x Mind Manipulator: Stands at a considerable distance, usually smoking. Checks up to see how Indians are doing, will remark how stupid they are. When you tell your friend what cup you think it is, he will jump in and say DO IT! YOUR ARE RIGHT! PUT IT DOWN, I SAW IT TOO.
  Interesting notes: Born into lives of negligence, they were farm-raised by wizard to become a sly accomplice. has no soul.
• 2 x Dumbo Game-Runners: These two keep the game going for the audience. By repeatedly winning and losing, they cultivate a false understanding of the odds within anyone unlucky enough to be unaware of the scheme.
  Interesting Notes: At first glance, you laugh at their stupidity. In the end, they laugh at yours. Every night while you dream. Also: have no souls.
• 1 x Muscle (optional, recommended): in case someone figures it out, and isnt as completely devastated as I was. In other words, reacts like anyone else would when robbed.
  Interesting notes: I have no idea who this was, or if they were even there. But probably they were.
• 1 x Naive Tourist: Pure, clean, happy. Cannot have been previously brain-tainted; must be so gullible as to believe there is an honest street game with reasonable odds of winning in a back alley. Must be human, mortal, and hypnotizable.

Step 1: Mix all ingredients in a giant shithole.
Step 2: ???
Step 3: GET RICH.

If you have any questions, you can find me brooding in a black trench coat, in a pile of trash in some alley.