CLOUDS

Greetings to my thousands of readers! I am sure you greedy hedons have noticed that my once powerful blogabilities (TM), which have repeatedly provided you giggly schoolgirls with countless hours of raw, life-sustaining entertainment, has slowly diminished to mere spurts of mediocre filler. Well, not for long! Don’t give up yet! Yes, my friends, WE HAVE LIFT OFF!!!!

WEEEEEE HUUU!!!! Rejoice! Its true, the last few months have been sprinkled with hand-trembling adventure; furious excitement that perks the ears of none other than Orville Redenbacher himself. In these periods of self-doubt, as I asked myself “why does nothing ever happen to me” during times of soporific boredom, or “why does this always happen to me” in times of glorious self-ownage, a little gem pops out, like a giant elephant giving premature birth to a beautiful human baby. But enough fudge brownies, lets get to the real meat and bonez.

Speaking of which, I just finished a week on a moshav (communal farm) called Amirim. Mira is hebrew for hairy armpit, however, since it is conjugated in the female form, it really means “woman of hairy nature”. Understand? No? Slow today, are we? I will explain further. The root of the word, Amir, means raging hippy. Altogether it means I stayed at a Hairy raging-hippy commune.

HAYELLLTOONNNN!!!!

Because jews are inherently hippish creatures, the place I stayed had undoubtedly the highest concentration of hippies, hippans, festies, smellies, vegans, and corp-haters in the world. So what did I do for a week, other than eat omelettes every meal? Basically I just watered plants all day. I did get on the good side of the boss man, and he took me around in his subaru justy and showed me how he pays people in the real world with eggs and trees. In case you are wondering, the conversion rate for 2 hours of engine repair on a pickup truck is equal to 11 crates of eggs or 8 citrus trees and several pomegranate trees, depending on the quality of the job.

My boss rewarded me for my godlike watering skills by taking me to get acupuncture. There is no medicine in Amirim, mainly everything is healed with natural healing, good vibes, and acupuncture. Going in, I was excited to try something new but I was extremely skeptical. I am a man who pays his respects to science, logic, and proven laws…curing poor appetite by sticking a needle in the big toe JUZ DON MAKE SENSE. But I am fair, so I will give the chinese a fair shot at showing me what they know after thousands of years of medical development.

ACUPUNCHER MESURD : ESUR SO SIMPUR.

I walked in, and first they gave me a long questionaire, asking what my health problems were and what I came in for. Apparently, acupuncture can cure anything, including fear of acupuncture (not true, but it can cure broccoli aversions (also not true)).

I said I was healthy, and just wanted to see what it was about, so they looked at my tongue, pulse, and feet to diagnose me. The two doctors had conflicting opinions as to my affliction, so they brought in another, who also disagreed. And another, and another. In the end there were 5 doctors and the guru, none of which could agree on what was wrong with me, so they listened to the guru, who said I have “fire in my stomach, an overactive mind, poor lung and kidney cooperation, and a generally weak core”. Alright.

The way acupuncture works, supposedly, is by modifying, redirecting, or freeing “chi flow” in critical points of the body, of which there are 180, I think. Also something to do with the not-physical body, blablahblah.

So they measure you up and stick you with needles. I got one in my foot to help my kidney talk to my lungs, one in my wrist to help my lungs listen to my kidney, one in my belly for my core, one in my chest for my stomach, and one on my forehead for mind. To help your chi start flowing, they light a hard block of “ancient herbs” (moxa) on the needle which releases heat, but, more importantly, it produces thick smoke that smells identical to ganja.

What do I think made me giggle to myself for 8 hours after the operation? Needles? Maybe. Or perhaps it was the block of hashish they lit on my chest? ….

So that was that. I must admit, I am not so skeptical anymore about acupuncture; even if it didn’t solve any of the problems the guru addressed, or if the means in which it did were dubious, I did leave feeling better than Ive ever felt probably in my life.

After several more dozen meals of omelettes, I left Amirim to come back to Haifa, where, needless to say, Ive been eating lots of animals and seeing live jazz shows. Ahhhh, corporations.

as you can see, watering plants all day has left me with a crisp tan.

Since this only covers the last week, and I was too swamped with autograph signing to write about the period of time since my last post and my adventures in the hippy nest, I will give a brief timeline of what has happened. (/humor).

In order:
yemenite passover: Passover spent with yemenite family. Uzi and his mother treated me to delicious yemenite foods, and since they were religious, often delicious hours of boredom (no television, no driving, no computer during certain periods). Went to the beach all day, alone, eating sunflower seeds and growing a handlebar mustache.

Israel Trail: Eric Chafetz saves me from impending catatonic state by offering to hike a trail which covers the entire country. I meet him in the north, and proceed to hike the most beautiful trails Ive ever treaded in my entire life. Camping outside was fun, and who could ask for better company than my old roommate from tzuba. Though we ended early because of planning issues, I can safely say it was one of my most fondest experiences in Israel so far; and has resulted in me making the goals to one day hike not only this trail to completion but the Appalachian as well. Tips: canned food not good idea, too heavy. Pack light. Some rocks make better toilets than others. Avoid setting up tent on ground which is not level, unless you want to better acquaint yourself physically with your camping partner several times in the night.

Hatzeva: A moshav in the desert. Never in my life have I tried so many different kind of vehicles in such a short time….Atar Shahak trusted me enough to let me operate his trucks in manual gear, tractors, atvs, scooters…lots of fun. first day of driving manual, i was offroading in the desert. Also picked cantaloupes, dug holes, and shit my pants everytime a thai worker said something nice to me.

haifa: almost got an engineering job; modeling fluid flow. then i once again passed an opportunity to further my career by turning it down to water plants in a hippy nest instead. parents visited, father saw friends from 40 years ago.

phone broke. getting new one tomorrow. possible stories ahead.